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Menopause…Where Life Goes To Die And Other Stories

Lorraine Findlay

If one event in my formative years summed up menopause it’s “mum’s builders”, this is not an offshoot of The Chippendales but an event that made me realise that the sexes do not age equally and for the fairer sex it’s a ( builder’s ) bum deal.

So, back to mum.

It was a lovely sunny day and my mum walked past a group of builders .. who,( imagine this being narrated in the style of David Attenborough for full gravitas) were enjoying the fruits of a council-sponsored tea break, tearing apart the carcasses of long-dead sausage rolls and quenching their burning thirst with Barr’s Ambrosia, (for the uninitiated, Irn Bru, from girders … YouTube the historic adverts .. probably banned now, like most things entertaining ..), I digress, back to mum.

As the lone female approached the pride of hungry males, they begin their mating call of the whistle of the wolf accompanied by rabid kissing noises, the female, whilst secretly flattered, turns around like an outraged Lot’s wife sporting an expression that Medusa took years to perfect. 

In a showing of contrition, the leader of the pack assuaged the female by crying out..” not you doll, the one in front..”. 

The devastation of knowing that you no longer merit sexist cat calls, that you are the dried-up old prune who is one cat and a veil away from the full Miss Havisham experience…

Menopause is where hotness goes to die except when accompanied by serious sweats at randomly inappropriate times …..

I am fifty-four and refuse to bow to menopause. Elasticated waists, facial hair, mid-life spread and all the other perks of being an egg-free zone will not blight me, well that’s the plan.

As a nutritionist who’s obsessed with anti-ageing here are some easy things we can all do/take to channel our inner Dorian Gray. 

These tweaks can make a huge difference and are far easier to source than the blood of virgins… 

In all seriousness, menopause is not an illness but its symptoms can be between annoying and for some really devastating, however, there’s so much you can do to mitigate the effects and regain that vital, vibrant you. 

For more information on the undernoted or if you want to share your woes of low libido and a wonky bladder ( solidarity ) please get in touch.

  • High-strength Vitamin D&K as integral ( min 5000 iu per day ).
  • High-strength fish oils.
  • Mediterranean diet.
  • Moderate exercise ( especially walking or dancing ).
  • High-strength liquid collagen  
  • Bioidentical HRT
  • Intermittent fasting