The problem…
“I have just found out the man I have been seeing for the past year is married. We met online during lockdown, and so I didn’t really know much about his background.
I was just happy to be with someone, even though we couldn’t see one another as often as I would have liked – I assumed it was because of all the restrictions.
“He didn’t tell me he was married, and I think he was shocked when I bumped into him and his family at the local cinema.
It was really embarrassing – more for him than for me, I expect – but I avoided making a scene in front of his wife and children.
“When we did next meet up, we had a really nasty row and said a lot of hurtful things about each other.
I was angry about being duped by him, and said I was going to tell his wife what he’d been doing for the past year with me. At this point, he became very aggressive, grabbed me by the hair and threatened to really hurt me if I did.
“I had never seen this side of him before and it shocked me. I do still love him though, and although he’s told me that he’s not going to leave his wife, I still want him to be with me. We haven’t spoken now for over a week, and I am already feeling lost and lonely. Why do I still want to be with him, even though I now know he’s married?”
Fiona says…
“Yes, why do you want to be with this man? He’s a liar, he’s a cheat, he’s aggressive and he can be violent. What attractive features can he possibly have that mean so much to you?
Wanting to be with someone like him indicates that you don’t really value yourself. Surely you know deep down you’re worth better than this – and if you don’t, then I think you need some help in boosting your self-esteem.
“Wanting to be with him may be academic anyway. He has already distanced himself from you and, if you’re honest with yourself, you already know that this is the only sensible outcome.
He’s not going to leave his wife, and even if he were, would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can lie, sleep around, and be violent?
You’ll be free to look for someone who can respect you…
“As you’ve threatened to involve his wife, I suspect he won’t want to run the risk of seeing you again. You are, I’m afraid, in for a painful time, because much as you don’t want to hear this, I think it really is over between the two of you.
“If I’m wrong and he does drift back into your life, things will never be the same between you now that you know the truth.
Your relationship will be furtive, sneaking and underhand, so please try to move on and call an end to things yourself. It will hurt, but at least you’ll be free to look for someone who can respect you and who is genuinely free to return your love.
“If you think he is really the best you can get, then please talk to your doctor about your self-esteem.
Perhaps you can get some counselling that will help you realise how much better you are then you seem to think.”
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice.
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